Helping Couples Heal and Rebuild After Infidelity

Counseling after infidelity can be highly effective in helping couples heal. While it is often multifaceted and non-linear, the ultimate goal remains the same—to help each individual process their varying emotions while working toward a healthier relationship, moving forward either together or separately. 

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), infidelity can be one of the more difficult problems to treat. However, as long as both partners are willing to engage and commit to making changes, the majority of relationships survive. In fact, they can become stronger and more intimate after receiving help.

The accomplishments made in the initial counseling session are crucial. Once early emotions have settled, assessing and understanding what led to the affair can be beneficial.

Although the majority of affairs result from some type of relationship strain, AAMFT notes that many are due to an individual’s low self-esteem or general discontentment with themselves. Some individuals may have an addiction to romance and continually seek the desire of a new relationship, while others may be addicted to intercourse and compulsively crave the high it releases.

The Couples Institute cites various goals for counselors, including connecting with each partner; creating a memorable experience; directing the conversation away from blame, anger, and shame to something that includes a deeper understanding of what went wrong; and preventing impulsive decision-making.

Each partner should have time to express their hurt without judgment. While doing so, counselors can observe how the development of their relationship played into what happened and analyze each other’s willingness to be accountable for their own issues. Ultimately, the Couples Institute seeks to discover new meaning in the couple’s relationship that makes sense for both partners. This can help manage the crisis while preventing rash decision-making.

Other considerations, according to Affair Recovery, include educating the couple on what the recovery process will look like. It’s critical for both spouses to understand each other’s coping mechanisms as they traverse the recovery process and to not push either partner to forgive too quickly.  

Affair Recovery also suggests normalizing the couple’s experience. Encourage them to find a community or support group of other couples experiencing a similar crisis to stabilize their recovery process, especially between counseling sessions. Some national surveys indicate that 15% of women and 25% of men have experienced intercourse outside their long-term relationship, and these numbers increase by 20% when emotional and sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, according to AAMFT.  

Ultimately, counseling couples after infidelity requires a commitment to understanding both partners’ needs in order to help them heal. Counselors should emphasize safety and forgiveness in a nonjudgmental, patient environment. It may be one of the more arduous predicaments to treat, but with the right guidance, these relationships can thrive.

Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1981). Getting to yes: The strategy of successful negotiation. Houghton Mifflin.